I'm gonna start at the beginning, bear with me please.
I came out as bi/poly in hs. Was in relationships that were queer/poly/kinky. Went to college, fell in love with a transmasculine non-op bio-female. We're perfect in every way...except the sex/desire stuff. Because of trans body issues, she (we use female pronouns, the long explanation i won't bore you with) hasn't dated before and was pretty skittish about sex etc. We started slow, but she had said something at some point about thinking she was a top, and i thought that she'd sortof... get more comfortable. She hasn't. In fact, that whole "so now we're married" thing has settled in (got married 2 years ago now) and we NEVER have sex. She swears she's attracted to me still, but... I suspect she's not sure herself... or is genuinely asexual --which was roughly where she identified before we met--. I've tried to spice things back up, but she's gone from shy but curious to uninterested. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she freaks out. She even freaked out when I just asked if we could buy a dildo. She finally said that we could get one, if I really wanted, but that she wasn't really interested and I'd have to get her really drunk and it would be terribly awkward. So... that wasn't encouraging at all. I'm not looking to make our sex life MORE awkward than it already is, nor am I interested in making her do things she doesn't want to.
So now not only are we not having fun kinky sex, we aren't having any sex. I'm so frustrated I can't see straight. But on the other hand, we're still the perfect match in every other way, and there's no way I would leave her.
It's really beginning to get to me, particularly because after living in sex-positive atmospheres for so long, I'm beginning to feel like there's something wrong with me, which REALLY bothers me. I'm a sub (occasional switch, but mostly I'm a strong person who needs to be dominated, and I don't always put up with being dominated if I think I can get away with rebelling), which makes the occasional sex we do have -- necessarily initiated by me -- weird for me, since it's not what i'm looking for. Nevermind being dominated, I don't even feel like she wants me, which takes all the fun out of it. I've told her as much, but she just cries, and then it's more awkward next time. My short-term solution has been to masturbate a lot, but that's...not enough.
Most of my connection to the poly/kink scene has been through the goth community, but recently she hasn't wanted to go to the club either... a little unclear why, although i think it's got to do with the fact that she doesn't dance, and so she sits by herself all night while I dance (if i sit with her, she doesn't try and talk over the music either, nor does she want to meet other people, so i tend to just dance so i don't end up sitting there staring at her forehead all night). Last time I asked her if she wanted to just stay home she got all upset that I was going to go by myself. So I'm just slowly being cut off from anyone who'd understand(she's not doing it purposefully, but still). She's very private about sex, and so talking to local friends would violate her trust, and i've sent a couple angsty emails to old friends, but none of them really get it -- either they dismiss our relationship because they don't understand why i'm in a monogamous vanilla partnership, or they can't see beyond the trans/queer thing, or they just continue blindly telling me to talk to her about it. I realize that probably seems like the best advice, but i've been trying for years now, and it's only getting worse.<p>
I'm a little at my wits' end, and I don't know what else I can do. Any help?
(Note to troll-hunters: Yes, it's a puppet account. No, I don't want to be identified, for reasons that should be obvious after reading the above. I am a real person having a real problem, not a troll.)